need another drink. this is the easiest way
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
