Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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