why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
