happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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