sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
