Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I need to sanitize my soul.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
