it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I woke up under a house in Key West
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
