you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
