Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
