I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
