READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
