Someone shit on the floor
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
