Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
