you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
