if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Randomize
