I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
