You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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