Why are handjobs necessary in class?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
