Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
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It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
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They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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