Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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