tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
