Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
