You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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