I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
