the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
