i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
