i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
