so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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