I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
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I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
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that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
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