just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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