opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
