I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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