she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
