I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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