I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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