i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
