I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
