So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Randomize
