Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
