I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
