My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
