fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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