I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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