I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
