Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
