I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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