got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
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