Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize