So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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