Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Someone shattered a urinal.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
