I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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