If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
