genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that