he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
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At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
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Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.