Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.