i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
