M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Randomize
